Stands For Courage
by heartofkaos
Summary: Lou is facing the fight of her life and finding out just what it means to be truly loved. Warning: Contains serious illness, including mentions of medical procedures.
1. Chapter 1

Lou's eyes skimmed the room for anything to distract her racing mind. On the wall directly In front of her were racks overflowing with leaflets, information she did not want to comprehend right now, avoidance was all she had left. There was water dripping from a tap into the sink to her right, slowly and methodically. Each drip fell in time with the beats of her heart, as she continued to be filled with dread. She knew what was coming, she had known for some time. Her instincts were screaming at her and she wanted to bolt, escape from the four white walls that surrounded her. Deep down, Lou knew she couldn't outrun her fate. Yet, still no-one came to put her out of her misery.

Lou was beginning to question why she had chosen to come by herself. She had never felt more alone than in this moment. Being a single parent was hard enough without not having someone to lean on when times were tough. Sure she had her grandpa but she knew Jack would feel awkward and uncomfortable, given the circumstances. Lou had almost asked Lisa to come with her for morale support but she wasn't in the mood for anyone fussing over her. Amy was out of the question, Lou didn't want to be depending on her little sister once again, and she already felt she had depended on Amy too much in the past when she split from Peter. Lou had always felt she needed to be the big sister, the strong and dependable one. That's what she needed to be right now - more than ever. She just wished there was someone there to hold her hand, to give her their added strength through their touch, to get through this day - the waiting had been torture.

Time was standing still, playing tricks on her mind. As her anxiety started to build she could feel her heart beating faster and adrenaline coursing through her veins. The feeling of fight or flight was increasing with every second that passed. Her head was thumping from the continued stress of waiting as she wrestled to keep herself sat down in the chair, knowing if she stood up she would make a move for the door. She needed to hear the words for herself, the words she had been scared to say out loud to anyone. The words that would change her life forever.

As the door began to open, Lou steeled her nerves. She watched closely as a doctor followed by a nurse entered the room. She couldn't help but study the solemn look upon the doctor's face as he introduced them both in name and profession. In that instant she felt her fears were confirmed. It felt as if everything was suspended in slow motion. Her eyes followed the doctor as he sat down at the desk with her notes in hand. She couldn't help but look at the folder he lay down, hoping for the answers to be spelled out in front of her. Slowly she braved meeting the doctors eyes and drew a long deep breath to prepare herself for what she knew he was about to say.

"Is there anyone here with you?" The doctor asked, "Anyone in the waiting room you'd like us to bring in?"

"No, it's just me" Lou replied in a small voice, knowing his questions had just backed up her intuition.

"They have discovered abnormal cells from your samples." The doctor stated with empathy.

Everything the doctor said from that point on became a blur to Lou. A mixture of fear and guilt spread through her. She wasn't able to fully concentrate on the moment at hand. Thinking only of her children. How could she tell her children she might have Cancer? Katie was far too young to understand. Georgie would understand and that was as equally terrifying to Lou. She was trying to hold it together while the nurse explained what would happen next. They were going to take a biopsy to get confirmation. Although Lou had heard of them she wasn't sure what it exactly entailed, agreeing to whatever would help end this nightmare that was finally feeling all too real.

The nurse told Lou that she could call someone while she went to prepare the trolley for the doctor if she wanted to. Lou found her phone in her handbag, switching it back on with shaking hands and pressed last number called, unable to type the numbers.

"They…they think it's Cancer" Lou stated, breaking into tears, unsure if she was understood through her sobs. "They found abnormal cells and they think its cancer, they are going to take a biopsy – right now." She added, feeling a sense of control coming back to her while relaying the information. Stating the facts made it feel less personal and easier to gain her composure, almost as though she were talking about someone else entirely. She was concentrating on holding it together and she wasn't listening to the other half of the conversation. As the nurse re-entered the room, Lou hastily said her goodbyes.

The nurse had a kind face with a warm smile. It was obvious she was empathetic but it felt more than that, almost motherly. Lou watched as she arranged the needles on the trolley. It was strangely fascinating to her. Soon the doctor came in and prepared for Lou's biopsy, explaining what he would do. Even as the doctor explained some of the risks associated with it, she felt calm. The potential for a punctured lung was vastly outweighed by the risks of not being treated for Cancer if that's what this biopsy was going to confirm. Her children needed her to be brave and to do this, the sooner the better. She lay still as the doctor instructed while he performed the procedure, gently talking her through each stage as she held her breath.

It felt surreal. This was her life now. Everything had changed.


	2. Chapter 2

Standing outside the hospital gates, Lou had never felt so cold before. Pulling her coat in tighter as if giving herself a well needed hug, she looked around in anticipation. With every passing stranger she attempted to look away from their gaze, to avoid them seeing the tears that she just could not stop from falling. Some faces she saw met her with sympathy, probably assuming she'd been to visit a poorly old relative. The truth was far more frightening and would bring another wave of despair as she thought about her children being the ones to visit her here in the future, with their own tear stained faces. Soon she couldn't see the passers-by anymore for the steady stream of her crying, everything was now just a blur.

As she wiped her eyes for what felt like the hundredth time, she noticed the truck pulling up in front of her rather abruptly and not in a stopping zone, made obvious by the disgruntled drivers behind. Lou felt a surge of relief as though she had just been rescued from her nightmare – if only temporarily.

"Caleb…" She managed to utter before her grief took over.

Caleb instantly took her into his arms as he reached Lou. Knowing there was nothing he could say but just offer her some comfort, some shelter from the questioning stares. He began to slowly guide Lou into the truck as if she were so fragile she might fall to pieces right there and then. He quickly climbed back into the driver's side, so as not to leave her on her own for more than a second. Once inside he waited for a moment, unsure what to do next. This was not a subject that he knew how to deal with but he needed to step up to the plate and he was going to do just that.

"Lou…?" He tested, to see if she was ready, or even able to talk.

"How am I supposed to tell the girls?" She said amongst sobs, continuing before Caleb could respond. "The nurse, my nurse – I've been assigned a nurse – what does that tell you? They know don't they? She told me when it's confirmed she has a book she can give me, one for children, to read with Katie so that she understands… but still… I just… I mean, how do I…"

"Would you like me to take you home to see Georgie and Katie?" Caleb asked gently.

"I don't think I'm ready yet" Lou replied honestly and somewhat defeated.

Caleb simply nodded and started the engine. He could sense she needed time to think, to absorb what she had just been told. After all he was having a hard time accepting it himself. It's something that happens to other people, someone's cousin's neighbour's grandma – not someone you care about - not Lou. It was a serious wake-up call and he was at a complete loss as what to do about it. He had known this was a possibility when Lou had opened up to him about discovering the lump months ago. He had never let himself believe that this would be the outcome, he had stayed his usual positive self through-out, just what Lou had been needing from him. How was he going to be that way now? How do you stay positive and optimistic when suddenly nothing is certain anymore? Caleb's mind was reeling and he couldn't even begin to imagine how Lou must be feeling about the news.

He pulled up outside the hotel that they had dropped their things at earlier. Caleb thought perhaps Lou would like to be out of the view of strangers while she came to terms with the hand she'd just been dealt, he knew he would if it were him. Without saying anything to Lou he opened the door and accompanied her all the way up to her room door, stopping in the hallway.

"I want to be on my own" Lou said almost apologetically.

"I'll be next door in my room, if you need me for anything." Caleb offered as he tipped his hat, concern etched on his face.

As the door closed behind Caleb, she instantly regretted her decision. The room felt unfamiliar and as though the walls were closing in on her. The silence was deafening. She climbed onto the bed, curling herself up into a protective ball and just sobbed into a pillow, hoping it would mask the sound. Being alone with her thoughts wasn't such a good idea. It was all too easy to take her thoughts down the worst case scenario route. Sure she knew there could be a million different outcomes and lots of people survived with treatment but Lou couldn't help but consider she might not be that lucky. Not that she didn't plan to fight this with every ounce of her being but she wanted to be prepared. Being ready for every possibility gave Lou a strange sense of control.

She wanted to be ready to face her children and her whole family, with a brave face. She didn't want them to see the broken woman she felt like right now. She wanted to be strong for them, so that they wouldn't feel the burden of what lay ahead. She felt overwhelmingly guilty that she was about to turn everyone's lives upside down with her news. On some level she was aware how crazy that was but she couldn't help it. She felt like she was doing this to them, rather than it being done to her. Not done blaming herself for things out of her control, berated herself for grieving for what she felt she could no longer have. She may not have any more children, she may never fall in love again – or be loved. She really wished she had found someone after Peter, she didn't want to go through this alone. Sure she knew her family would be there but it wasn't the same. Her heart ached as she felt a new surge of tears falling.

She was startled out of her thoughts by a knock at the door. Lou dried her tears as best she could, as she opened the door. She peered from behind it to try hide her red and blotchy face, an obvious sign that she had been crying, from whoever it may be. She wasn't sure why she was so surprised it would be Caleb. She opened the door and waved him in, relieved that he had come back without her asking him to. _He knew_ , she thought to herself with a small smile. _He just knew._


	3. Chapter 3

"I know that you said you wanted to be alone," Acknowledged Caleb, "but I do come baring gifts" He added, in his usual charming way, complete with his trademark smile.

Although it was the furthest emotion from her mind, she couldn't help but feel a little happier. Caleb was being normal around her and that's how she wanted people to be, she didn't want to be treated with kid-gloves, which she knew was inevitable. Lou even mustered a snigger when she looked at what he had brought with him, it looked like he had everything bar the kitchen sink.

"For you ma'am" Caleb said as he handed Lou a bunch of yellow roses while half bowing before her.

"You didn't have to" Lou said, playfully swatting him on the arm as she graciously accepted his gift. She didn't even have a chance to smell them before Caleb handed her a closed paper bag. Placing the flowers on the bed, Lou opened the bag to inspect the contents, unsure what she expected to find. She let out a small gasp as she pulled out a journal from the bag. The cover was made of a rustic fabric which had a vintage washed-out look, the pattern was of timeless pink flowers, almost mauve in colour with the fading - it was simply beautiful. Tears were starting to form in her eyes as she looked back up at Caleb unable to find words to say.

"I know you like to blog your thoughts and I figured you might be wanting to keep this to yourself for now, while you await the results, so I got you a journal" Caleb rambled, as his usual confidence deserted him, nervously awaiting her response, feeling as though he'd just laid his heart bare on the table for her to see.

Lou was genuinely touched by the gesture but wasn't able to let him know, as she began crying all over again. Caleb put everything he was still holding down onto the dressing table and rushed to console her.

"I'm sorry Lou…" Caleb apologised softly into Lou's hair as she crumbled against him.

He let her cry herself out, holding her all the while. As she lifted her head from his shoulder. Caleb gently wiped the lingering tears with his thumb, unsure if he'd overstepped his boundary, but he couldn't stop himself. Lou gave him a small appreciative smile but she didn't step out of his embrace though. Taking Caleb by surprise, she leaned back in towards him, tightening her hold around his waist, "Thank you" She said, muffled into his chest.

He gave her shoulder a subtle squeeze in acknowledgement before he spoke, "You haven't seen what else was in that bag yet" and laughed, breaking the building atmosphere, not wishing to take advantage of Lou's vulnerability.

Lou allowed herself to join Caleb in his humour, giving him a gentle shove away from her, smiling as she did. "Let's have a look then…" She said. It felt so easy being around Caleb, it was hard not to feel lighter with his infectious personality. He really was the perfect distraction.

Looking into the bottom of the bag, Lou pulled out what appeared to be another sort of notebook - only narrower. She took a closer look, reading the cover words 'To Do Lists' and instantly smacked Caleb with the book. Lou looked as though she was insulted but she broke into another smile she just couldn't contain.

"Since you like to tell me what to do an' all" Caleb joked, ducking from further assault.

"Don't tempt me, you'll have a list as long as your arm before we go home" Lou teased.

"I have something else, which you might not want to hit me over" Caleb smirked, giving Lou one last bag.

She opened it to find what appeared to be a bag filled with comfort food, chocolates, candy, chips and even sandwiches. _He seems to have thought of everything_ , Lou mused to herself. The fact he was looking after her and his thoughtful gift of the journal on top of that, was making her emotional once more. Sometimes saying thank you didn't feel like enough, this was one of those moments.

"Caleb… I…" Lou started, her voice breaking as she spoke.

"No need to say anything, how about we fire up the TV and see what's on?" Caleb suggested waving his hands to cut Lou's thanks off. He really didn't want her gratitude, it wasn't why he did it. He simply wanted to take care of her the best he could in this unexpected set of circumstances, taking her mind off things seemed to be the best plan for now.

Lou grabbed the remote and switched on the hotel room TV, "Okay but only if I get to choose" Lou insisted, while she sat down on the bed with her back against the pillows. She patted the space next to her to suggest Caleb join her.

"I wouldn't disagree with a lady" Caleb said with a smile and joined her, taking off his hat and boots first.

As Caleb sat down, he passed Lou over some of the chocolate. She leaned against him and gladly took the bar, she really needed a sugar-kick after today's revelations. Without thinking about what he was doing, Caleb placed his arm around Lou to give her comfort. As he did this, she moved in sync with him - snuggling into his side.

With everything that she had gone through that day, various testing and not to mention the poking and prodding, Lou had been feeling completely out of sorts. She wasn't sure who she was anymore and her future was a scary prospect. However in this moment with Caleb, away from it all, she felt somehow right. She felt safe and protected. She knew she was cared for and cherished – possibly even desired. All the things Lou was longing for and desperately wanted to feel right now. She had been starting to feel more like a medical experiment, but she needed to feel more like the woman she really was, before it all happened.

The hours flew passed quickly as Caleb and Lou watched some movies on TV, eating all the junk food while talking about anything and everything. It was getting quite late when Caleb suggested he leave for Lou to get some sleep.

"Can you stay?" Lou asked quietly, suddenly feeling afraid, "I don't want to be alone tonight".

"Whatever you need Lou," Caleb replied with heartfelt sincerity, "whatever you need." He repeated, emphasising that he indeed meant it.


	4. Chapter 4

Lou awoke from a surprisingly deep sleep to find she had been resting her head on Caleb's chest. He was still out for the count and notably on the topside of the covers. Lou smiled at the thought of his gentlemanliness, he was an old soul at heart. She always knew his 'ladies' man' side was just a front to avoid being hurt again after Ashley. She couldn't blame him for that. He was different around Lou though, he was always respectful to her and if she was truly honest, she enjoyed his admiration. Part of being a perfectionist made her want to be appreciated for her successes - she strived for approval from those around her. Most of the time though, Lou actually felt she was taken for granted, with the exception of Caleb. He was always there in the background, championing her on in her endeavours.

It was easy to tell that he was genuine in his belief in her but that wasn't what played on Lou's mind. She couldn't tell if there was more to his flirting and it was becoming increasingly infuriating for Lou. Lying next to Caleb in bed, from the way he had been the day before, it was hard not to think there was more to their friendship. The fact he'd tenderly wiped her tears away with his thumb the day before, hadn't escaped her, she'd felt her utter devastation had averted for a split second in that moment. It was surreal that someone she'd known for so many years, who had always just sort of been around, was now so important to her, in her every day life. She wasn't sure when it exactly happened. She had a fleeting moment when she was still with Peter that something was possible. She had dismissed it and sorted things in her marriage, if only temporarily. Maybe it had been building since then in her subconscious, or maybe it was when she confided her deepest fears over finding that lump. How he had been to her since then was nothing short of amazing, a real support to her while keeping her secret.

"Morning" Caleb said while stretching out, looking like he was still half asleep.

Lou was startled from her thoughts and felt herself blush a little, as if Caleb could read her thoughts. "I didn't want to wake you" Lou said, justifying her reason for still lying next to him - awake. "Do want some coffee?" Lou asked standing up, feeling awkward all of a sudden.

"Sure" Caleb replied completely unaware. "How did you sleep?"

"I slept right through, best sleep I've had in a while…" Lou admitted, unsure whether she should have disclosed that last piece of information but it was too late to take it back. She busied herself making the coffee, hoping Caleb didn't read too much into what she'd said. He was becoming more of a distraction from her health issues than she had anticipated.

If he had picked up on what Lou had insinuated, Caleb didn't let on. He gratefully accepted his coffee from her without commenting on it.

"You ready to go home?" He asked, changing the subject.

"I'm not really sure to be honest, I just don't know how to bring it up yet." Lou grimaced at the thought of breaking the news. She knew this was going to be the hardest thing she'd done so far.

Once they were all packed up and checked out of the hotel, they headed back to Heartland in Caleb's truck. The journey felt very different from the one they took out to Calgary. Lou was lost in her thoughts and the atmosphere felt a little melancholy. Caleb never tried to break the silence to lighten the mood, he decided leaving Lou to mull things over was probably what she needed. After all she was preparing herself for facing her family, her children – something Caleb knew nothing about.

When they finally arrived at Heartland, Lou could feel her heart tighten in her chest. She felt flooded with so many emotions and she wasn't sure she would be able to hold it together. She didn't want to appear before everyone as a crying mess, she wanted to seem fine – healthy even. Once he had parked the truck, Caleb carried Lou's things to the porch. Lou followed behind him carrying her flowers.

"Just call me if you need anything Lou, no matter the hour." Caleb reminded her.

"Oh no Caleb, you are coming with me." Lou informed him "You can't escape this part of it all, you're in this with me" She confirmed.

Caleb smiled, he always thought Lou was at her best when she was barking orders, her confidence had returned now she was home and he was thankful for that. He tipped his hat in acceptance and opened the door for her. "After you" was all he said.

Lou stepped through the threshold unsure what was going to happen next. She took a deep breath as she walked into the kitchen to discover who she would have to face first. _Oh great,_ Lou thought to herself, it was as if there was a welcome committee awaiting her. Her Grampa was filling up his mug of coffee while talking to Ty. Both Amy and Lisa were sitting at the table with Katie eating some lunch. Only Georgie appeared to missing from the scenario. The second she'd had the thought, the teenager came barging in the front door in the middle of complaining about something or someone, stopping mid-sentence when she saw Lou and Caleb in front of her. She wasn't the only one to be inspecting their arrival – _together_.

Lou could feel all the eyes in the room look towards her, shifting between her and Caleb with suspicion and accusation. She realised how it must look, she'd walked in with Caleb while holding the roses that were obviously from him, when she had arranged the trip to Calgary under the guise of meeting up with girlfriends in town for a night out. The expressions in their faces showed were already jumping from one conclusion to another. _Maybe they weren't entirely far from the mark_ , Lou resigned to herself.

"I'm glad you're all here," Lou started before wavering a little, feeling her emotions take over. She paused to regain her composure.

"Would you rather I tell them?" Caleb asked, noticing Lou struggling and wanted to make it easier for her. She had been through enough, in his eyes.

"No it's okay, thanks Caleb. It's better if they hear it from me" Lou acknowledged.

"And what exactly would you _two_ have to tell us?" Jack said, eyebrow raised, deep in suspicion, with great emphasis on the 'two'.


	5. Chapter 5

Lou resisted her urge to grab onto Caleb for support. Given what everyone was currently assuming about them, she didn't want to add fuel to the fire. Lou was feeling light headed as her composure was escaping her. She was craving the strength she gained from being around Caleb. She knew she was mentally stalling the inevitable conversation before her.

"Georgie, can you please take Katie to her room and play for a while?" Lou asked her daughter, fully expecting a tantrum about _not being a child anymore_.

"Sure." Georgie agreed, much to Lou and everyone's surprise. "I didn't want to hear about you and Caleb _anyway_ " She added with a mixture of spite and disgust, while ushering her little sister away.

Lou heard the stifled sniggers of Amy and Ty, who tried to straighten their expressions when she glanced their way. She looked back towards Caleb, still standing by her side. She really felt for him, he was taking the brunt of this. He probably felt embarrassed or maybe even annoyed, Lou imagined. However to look at him, he showed no signs of either. He smiled at her, apparently unfazed but she knew him better than that. She briefly squeezed his forearm in acknowledgment of everything that was unsaid between them, before turning to face her now captive audience.

"Obviously I wasn't on a girl's night out in Calgary." Lou finally confirmed to her awaiting family, rather matter-of-factly.

"You don't say." Responded Jack dryly, while looking at Caleb, who made no move to react.

"I _was_ in Calgary," Lou continued ignoring her Grandpa, " _Yes_ with Caleb – but it's not what you're thinking. He was helping me out – as a _friend_. He took me to the hospital for an appointment that I had yesterday."

Lou had to admit she was feeling lighter as she began telling the truth, like a weight was really being lifted from her shoulders. She was feeling guilty about passing the burden to her family but she couldn't go through waiting for results on her own. It wasn't fair on Caleb either being the only other person that knew. This was going to be better for them both.

"Lou is everything okay?" Lisa asked, filled with concern.

"Not really." Lou admitted defeated. "The doctors suspect I have Cancer… Breast Cancer to be exact."

She could feel herself shaking but didn't want to cry. She wanted to remain strong in front of her family to make it easier on them. She could see the wide eyes around the room as what she said was gradually sinking in. It was a surreal moment. For a moment she felt like she was in someone else's life, it was like something out of a movie or TV show, only it wasn't – this was very real and it was her life.

There was a chorus of "Oh no, Lou" as both Amy and Lisa came to envelope her in a hug. Lou winced in pain from the contact, and protectively stepped back from the embrace.

"I'm sorry," apologised Lou, "I'm really sore from all the needles and the not-so-gentle examinations" She added in explanation, lowering her head, slightly embarrassed.

"Sorry Lou, I didn't think" Lisa offered sincerely, "What did the doctors say will happen now? How long until you receive the results?" She asked hoping to distract Lou from feeling awkward.

"They said I will get results from the biopsy in the next two weeks. The cell samples they took yesterday showed abnormal cells. He expects the results to come back positive though." Lou stated the facts trying to avoid feeling the emotions that were bubbling beneath the surface. It was beginning to get too much for her, reliving every emotion in her mind.

Caleb could sense her building tension as he had been quietly gauging how she was coping throughout the moment. He lightly touched her hand between his thumb and forefinger to let Lou know she could take it if she wanted to. He was fully prepared to face any further remarks about his closeness with her, if that's what it took to give her the support she needed. Lou smiled at his gesture and slid her hand fully into his. Entwining her fingers between Caleb's – immediately feeling more relaxed knowing he was near. Lou was fully aware of Jack watching the development but she was relieved to see he remained tight lipped, even if the struggle to do so was pretty obvious.

"I'm so sorry Grandpa," Lou apologised, through now unavoidable tears. "This must be so much worse for you, I was dreading telling you for all the memories it would bring up of Grandma."

"Now Lou, don't you be saying sorry for things you can't control" Jack lovingly scolded her "And don't you be worrying about me either."

The explanation to everyone began to pass in a blur. Lou felt like she kept repeating what the doctor said over and over, amongst her family insisting the doctors could be wrong about what they had said. She loved her family for the hope they were trying to give her but inside she felt frustrated, like no-one was listening to what she was trying to say. She was fighting to get them to hear that what the doctor didn't say was just as important as what he did. The tone he used, his careful selection of words and everything he did to imply without actually confirming it was Cancer. She knew the doctor couldn't do that without the biopsy results. She knew in her heart, that the moment he told her he suspected it, that between the lines he was really confirming it.

She had decided to accept that was the prognosis from that point onwards. It was somehow easier to believe it was true and have something to fight, than to be left in limbo. Lou didn't cope well when she didn't feel in control and this was something completely out of her hands. The closest thing to control she had - was to own it, to accept this was already decided. She could take charge of what happened next by planning around it. If she knew what was coming, she could be prepared and that gave Lou her control back. Her family couldn't see where she was coming from in that sense, she assumed they thought she had given up but that couldn't be further from the truth. Lou was preparing her battle plan before there was even a war to win.


	6. Chapter 6

Lou was relieved when everyone had made their excuses to leave. She was thankful to have a moment to gather her thoughts. She had explained to her family that she would tell Georgie later that night, knowing she would suspect something was up if she left it any longer. As for Katie she would be too young to understand so Lou was going to try her best not to let anything affect her, until her results were back and she knew where she stood. For now though, Katie would be able to remain happy and carefree as a little girl should. The thought of the impact a diagnosis could have on someone so young was terrifying Lou to her core. She could feel the tears surfacing once more.

"You okay Lou?" Asked Caleb, knowing she wasn't but hoping to coax her into opening up.

"I'm just thinking about how all this could affect Katie, she won't know what any of this means. I can't bear the thought of her or Georgie seeing me go through gruelling treatment in hospital, being sick and exhausted – seeing me at my weakest. If it is in fact the big C." Lou admitted honestly.

"All I know is, the only big C you have… stands for _Courage_ " Caleb said sincerely, while approaching Lou and taking her hand in his, "You have more courage than anyone I have ever met and I know a lot of brave guys, trust me I know true grit when I see it."

In that moment Lou could feel her heart swell. She knew that Caleb saw her in a way that no one else ever had before, it was both refreshing and intoxicating. Without meaning to, Lou had opened herself up to discover the real man behind the big toothy grin and twinkling eyes, he was more than just a cowboy or occasional ranch hand. He was someone with a big heart that wasn't afraid to share it. He might appear happy-go-lucky but she had seen how deep he really was. From all the times they had talked through the years and a lot more recently; he was continually surprising her with his insight and always listening quietly without judgement. The many times that she found herself completely wound up and would order him around in her typical control-freak manner, he accepted it gracefully with understanding. It was hard to ignore the fact that their differences created a perfect balance together.

Without any more fore-thought from Lou, she spontaneously moved forward and kissed Caleb. Catching him off-guard - he hesitated only for a moment before smiling and relaxing into the kiss.

"Eww…Gross!" Came the instant interruption from Georgie, who had been taking Katie back through from her room.

Lou immediately tried to straighten herself up as if she hadn't being doing anything, even though Georgie had already seen. Her cheeks burning brightly didn't help her mount a defence either. She looked to Caleb for some help, for what she should say to her daughter in response to what she had witnessed. Lou quickly realised Caleb would be of no use to her this time for support. He was trying his hardest not to laugh, clearly amused at being caught. Lou had to admit, for once, that after everything she'd been through this wasn't the same cause for concern that it would have been before. She could picture her old-self causing such a drama; shouting, screaming, doors slamming and not to mention the immeasurable embarrassment. Things felt different now, she really did have bigger concerns and this wasn't one of them.

Surprising herself, she laughed. It felt good to let go and laugh, allowing the pressure to lift. Caleb joined her, letting out the laugh he was holding back rather unsuccessfully. It felt normal to her and normal had never felt so good. Lou walked over to lift Katie into her arms smiling but stopped abruptly in front of her child. Realising she wasn't able to lift her up which made Lou incredibly upset and panicked but she managed to hold in it for both her daughter's sakes. Now wasn't the right situation to tell Georgie the truth. She knelt beside Katie as if she'd meant to do that all along and hugged her youngest child tightly from her pain free side, she'd missed her little girl too much. Holding her breath hoping no-one picked up on her near mishap.

Georgie was thankfully oblivious. She was pouring some milk into glasses while glowering with teenage disgust to herself, her expression and silence spoke volumes. Georgie downed her drink as quickly as she could, leaving Katie's milk at the table for her to sit and have hers.

"I'm going out to the barn." Georgie shouted back as she made her way out the front door.

"She couldn't get out of here fast enough" Mused Lou out loud.

"Can't imagine why…" Caleb said jokingly.

" _Caleb_ – it's not funny" Lou fumed, without any real contempt.

"Ah c'mon Lou, you laughed as well. It is a little funny." Caleb teased, continuing to laugh, "I mean you just got caught making out by your teenage daughter, isn't that meant to be the other way around?"

Lou rolled her eyes and threw a cloth placemat from the table at him, trying her hardest not to give in and laugh along with him. She asked Katie to sit up at the table as she headed to the coffeepot, she r _eally_ needed caffeine after that. Katie started to giggle as Caleb was hit cleanly in his face with the material missile. The air was then filled with delighted shrieks as Katie ran away from Caleb who chased her from the kitchen to the living room and back again, pretending he was going to 'get her' for laughing at him with the placemat in his hand. Lou felt awash with happiness at what could be seen as any normal family moment. It was something she had longed for and it somehow happened over night. She was amazed to think something so wonderful could stem from something so awful. For the first time in months, Lou was feeling hope – hope for her future.


	7. Chapter 7

It was an amazing feeling to be sat at the dinner table with all her family surrounding her, with the very welcome addition of Caleb across from her. She had missed this even though she had only been away for a day. Being around the familiar setting at home was one of great comfort to Lou. She was beginning to feel the trials of the day before had been of someone else entirely, here she couldn't feel further from that vulnerable version of herself. This was where she belonged.

Everyone shared around the gorgeous meal that Lisa had kindly made, taking the pressure off of Lou to prepare something. The conversation was also maintained by Lisa, trying to keep the focus on everyone other than Lou, asking about everyone's days. It was a light hearted and just what Lou needed. She couldn't be more thankful for Lisa's help, she didn't have the energy to keep the conversations flowing – never mind cook a meal.

"So Lou how was the girl's night out?" Asked Tim oblivious to the situation. "You're looking a little worse for wear, so I'm assuming it was good?"

The table fell silent as no-one knew what to say. Lou had forgotten she hadn't told her father when he came in as she had been preoccupied with Katie. Now she was dumbfounded as not only did Tim not know but neither did Georgie and she didn't want to tell her in front of the whole family. Her plan had been to tell Georgie alone in her room that night after they'd eaten, to give Georgie privacy should she be upset. The atmosphere could have been cut with a knife, everyone was on edge knowing how Tim didn't like to be left out of the loop.

"What?" Tim asked noticing the awkward glances around the table as still no-one made a move to answer him. "C'mon what aren't you telling me, I'm obviously the last to know something – as _usual_!"

"Lou went away with Caleb to Calgary" Georgie announced deviously, knowing exactly what she was saying would cause some trouble.

"Caleb…?" Tim asked almost chocking on his words, completely in disbelief at what he'd heard.

"Georgie!" Scolded Lou, unsure how to get out of this situation her daughter had created.

"Well it's true" Georgie said defiantly.

"Is it…?" Asked Tim still not believing what he was hearing, tempted to laugh at the absurdity.

Lou knew no matter what she said next was going to have some major fall out. Things were getting out of control rather quickly. She really didn't want to throw Caleb to the wolves but she just couldn't drop a bombshell on Georgie either. There was only one real option.

"Yes, it's true" Lou confirmed, turning to Caleb and mouthing the word 'sorry' to him.

Immediately Tim's eyes directed towards Caleb, filled with angry disapproval. Caleb met Tim's stare full on without blinking and jaw set. Neither of them spoke for a moment as the atmosphere intensified.

"Caleb… _Really_?" Tim took a long hard breath, drawing out his judgement. "Honey, you could do so much better than that. I mean an Oil man to a rodeo cowboy - and not a very good one at that! What were you thinking?"

"Dad…" Lou pleaded with him, "Not now okay?"

"Wait – you're serious aren't you?" Tim spat the words out as if they left a foul taste in his mouth.'

"You know I'm sitting right here…" Caleb challenged, unable to maintain his calm any longer, "If you've something to say, you can say it to me"

"Georgie can I have a word?" Demanded Lou, pointing towards the stairs. "Grandpa…?" She added looking to Jack for some help with the full scale war that was about to erupt at any given moment. Her eyes were wide and shining from the tears that would be sure to come.

"Go Lou, I've got it and don't worry about him" Jack replied genuinely nodding towards Caleb, knowing despite what he might think about it, Lou was leaning on Caleb and needed him around right now.

"We've heard enough of your gum's flapping Tim" Jack said sternly before turning to Caleb and adding, "And you best quit while you're ahead. I don't want to hear another word from the two of you."

Lou couldn't help but hide a smile as she walked up the stairs behind Georgie, listening to her dad and Caleb being told off like children was pretty amusing, their faces both a picture. Before she entered Georgie's room Lou regained her composure as this was now a time for seriousness and she needed to come across as exactly that.

"Ugh, I'm sorry Lou" Georgie said without meaning it, hoping to avoid a lecture.

"This isn't about that" Lou explained, "It's not about Caleb and I either for that matter but it might clear things up for you though. This is really hard for me to say and I have put it off all day hoping I'd have come up with an easy way to tell you."

"Tell me what? Oh my god, are you pregnant?!" Georgie accused rather loudly.

"Shhh, no not that" Lou could only hope they hadn't heard that downstairs to fire Tim up some more.

"Then what?" Georgie began to get curious as she couldn't fathom out what else it could be.

"I've been to hospital, that's why I was with Caleb - he drove me there as I wouldn't be able to drive home again. I've had some tests and I'm waiting on some more results" Lou paused to let what she'd said sink in, she could see that Georgie was looking at her with worry. "They are testing me for breast Cancer, they suspect I have it".

Before Lou had finished her sentence Georgie started to cry. "Mom... I'm sorry... I didn't..."

As Georgie's emotions overwhelmed her, Lou wrapped her arms around her daughter, hugging her as tightly as she could manage from her pain free side. Knowing how scared Georgie would feel had tempted Lou not to tell her until everything was confirmed. She didn't want to cause her upset without reason as she'd been through so much for someone so young. Lou was plagued with guilt that she would be adding again to the hurt. She knew she wouldn't have answers to the questions Georgie would have but she could hold her and comfort her until her tears run dry. That was something she knew she could do. She could love her daughter, support her and protect her as much as humanely possible. As Georgie's tears started to slow and her breathing calmed, Lou knew it was time to put her brave face on.


	8. Chapter 8

"Are you going to die?" Georgie asked cautiously, her face tear stained and filled with fear.

Lou paused for a brief second, she didn't know how to answer. She had known this was the one thing Georgie would be sure to ask. How could she reassure her, when in all honesty, it was a possibility. This was a thought that Lou had been trying to push to the back of her mind and the moments that it did reach the forefront, she would feel devastated all over again. Life felt very short all of a sudden. Calming her anxieties, Lou took her daughter by the hand.

"Georgie, sweetheart... We don't know that I have anything wrong for sure but if I do, you can bet your damnest that I am going to fight it tooth and nail" Lou said confidently, knowing nothing she said was a lie, giving her comfort in her avoidance.

"But what if..." Georgie wasn't convinced.

"We will cross every bridge as we come to it and I will be here for you every step of the way for any questions you have" Lou said while hugging her again before asking. "Do you want to go back downstairs?" Offering Georgie an escape from the heavy conversation and if she were honest - herself too.

"Can I stay here?" Georgie asked with wide, sad eyes.

"Of course you can… would you like me to stay with you?" Lou checked before getting up to leave.

"It's okay... you should go rescue Caleb" Georgie giggled, breaking the atmosphere.

Lou joined her daughter in her laughing. She was so proud of Georgie at that moment, being able to make fun of her while being so scared and upset, showed Lou just how strong her daughter was. Georgie had such resilience and character, that Lou couldn't help but feel inspired by her. She was beginning to see she had the makings of quite an army behind her now between her family and Caleb. She was surprised to be walking away from the worst conversation of her life with a genuine smile and a heart filled with pride.

Lou paused at the top of the stairs, listening to see if the coast was clear and everyone had calmed down. Although she was pleased with how her confession to Georgie had gone, she felt completely drained emotionally. She wasn't in the mood for her dad giving her grief over what her and Caleb may or may not mean to each other. After all she wasn't really sure herself, they hadn't got to that discussion yet. After dumping him in the deep end at the dinner table, she wasn't sure they ever would. _What's the worst that could happen?_ She thought to herself, before continuing downstairs.

Amy was helping clear the table with Ty, while Lisa was getting the water ready for the dishes in the kitchen. There was no sign of her grandpa, dad or Caleb anywhere - there was no telling if that was a good or a bad sign. Craving some normality she went through to the kitchen.

"Would you like me to wash?" Lou asked Lisa hopefully.

"It's okay Lou, I don't mind" Lisa replied helpfully before noticing the disappointment on Lou's face and recovered quickly "You could dry if you'd like?"

Lou smiled picking up the towel, it was a welcome relief to be understood, more so at a time like this. She longed to feel like her old self. As she started the pleasantly mundane task of drying the dishes, Lou could hear Amy and Ty laughing in the other room. She could lose herself in the familiar happy sounds of her family as she slowly and methodically moved the towel around the dinnerware. With every repetitive motion she would be swept away from her worries, she was home now. This was who she was, not a possible cancer patient but a mother, a sister, a daughter and granddaughter. In that moment she knew she had to try keep both sides separate if she was going to get through this mentally.

The shrill sound of the phone ringing abruptly cut through the air.

"Lou… it's for you, it's the hospital" Amy said handing Lou the phone, concern etched on her face given the time of day. No good news ever came in the evening.

Lou took the phone from Amy candidly, her expression mirroring that of her sister's. She felt aware through the phone call that her family were watching her for some sort of reaction to what was being said on the other end of the line, so she made sure to try and smile to them warmly to ease their fears while listening intently.

"They have had a cancellation" Lou explained after she hung up. "They wanted to see if I could go in for a MRI scan tomorrow, as usually there would be a longer wait for one"

"If you need a ride Lou I would be happy to help out" Lisa offered kindly, "Or I can watch the girls if that's better for you. Whatever you need"

"Same here Lou, Georgie can help me with the horses again if you need" Amy added.

"I'm happy to drive you" Ty said.

"Thank you all" Lou said beginning to feel overwhelmed. "I think I'll have an early night"

Lou walked off towards her room alone. For a brief moment she had felt like things would be back to normal and in an instant it had snapped back to facing her problems head on. Tomorrow she would have to go back to hospital. This journey was far from over, she could feel it in her bones.


	9. Chapter 9

Lou stopped before she reached her bedroom door deciding to check in on Katie instead. She was already sound asleep in her bed as Lou crept in quietly. She smiled knowing for sure that it would have been Lisa who had taken care of her littlest girl while she'd been talking with Georgie. It was a real comfort to know her girls would always be loved and looked after no matter what happened down the line. Though it scared Lou to her core to even consider that a need to have.

Lou knelt on the floor next to Katie's bed. She couldn't help but feel overwhelmed as she watched her daughter sleeping. She could make out all the individual features of her face from the light creeping through the crack in the slightly opened door. Her sweet little button nose and her beautiful baby smooth skin that looked like porcelain in the light and her blonde hair spread all around her head like a halo. Everything about Katie screamed of innocence and it tore Lou's heart to shreds. All Lou wanted to do in that moment was push pause, breathe in her daughter's beauty and ingrain the image of blissful slumber in her memory. Every moment felt so precious. She noticed Katie's eyelashes flutter a little and a small smile cross her face. _Dreaming, Katie was dreaming,_ Lou thought, smiling through her now falling tears.

The more Lou considered the impact her possible illness could have on Katie, the more it hurt. She couldn't bear the thought of destroying any part of her childhood, Lou didn't want her little girl to grow up too fast. She should be playing with her dolls or learning to ride her pony, not seeing her mom be sick, frail and in hospital all the time. That wasn't a childhood…shouldn't be a childhood. As Lou listened to her daughter breathing softly beside her, she broke down fully. She did all she could to hold in the sound of her gut wrenching cries so as not to wake Katie with the noise. Lou didn't want anyone to see her this way, showing what she felt was sign of weakness while struggling to breathe for the tears caught in her lungs. She felt completely defeated - curling herself up into a ball, helplessly on the floor.

Lou's cell phone suddenly sprang into song from her pocket. She scrambled to get it out before it caused Katie to wake.

"Hello?" Lou whispered questioningly, unsure who it was in her hurry to answer she never checked the caller ID.

"Hey Lou, is now a bad time? I just wanted to see if you were doing okay"

She smiled realising it was Caleb, wiping her tears away, thankful for his distraction.

"I'm in Katie's room. Give me a second." Lou said keeping her voice low as she sneaked out and into her own room. "Okay, I'm good." She confirmed once she closed the door behind her.

Lou lay down on her bed pulling a blanket over her. She was exhausted but knew she wouldn't be able to sleep. Listening to Caleb's easy conversation was relaxing and reminded her of how comforting he had been to be around the night before in the hotel. It felt a little strange but she felt lonely without him there to fall asleep next to. Having gotten so used to being on her own since Peter left, it had taken her by surprise just how much she was craving some human touch now after having a reminder of what it felt like. Lou was glad he had called her, having him talking to her was close enough to his being physically there. She may not be feeling his arms around her keeping her safe but she could feel his love through his words. _His l_ _ove_. Lou pondered over that thought as she fell asleep to the sound of Caleb's voice.

Lou woke the next morning a little confused as she didn't remember falling asleep. As she glanced around the now bright room, lit from the morning sun, having forgotten to draw the curtains the night before, she saw her phone lying close by. It all came flooding back to her. _Caleb!_ She thought in a panic, talking to him was the last moment she could remember. _Had she fallen asleep mid-conversation?_ Picking up her phone her fear, or rather embarrassment was confirmed on reading a text from Caleb wishing her sweet dreams. She smiled to the empty room, feeling a little bit like a loved-up high school girl with a first crush. She decided that was alright with her. She didn't care what anyone thought. She was allowed to have a reason to smile right now, she needed it.

So with a renewed self-confidence Lou got ready to face the day with a spring in her step. She went into the kitchen to prepare breakfast for the kids as usual. She put on a pot of coffee for the adults and took out Katie's favourite cereal, placing it on the kitchen table with an empty bowl. She gathered the ingredients for pancakes and started making a batch as a surprise for Georgie. Lou was worried how her eldest daughter would feel after last night's conversation and decided she deserved a little sweet treat before school.

As if on cue the room filled with her family as she placed the stack of warm pancakes on the table. Jack headed straight for the coffee and poured a mug, gulping a large mouthful before speaking.

"Thanks Lou." Jack said with a warm smile, he may not have said much but the way he said it spoke volumes to Lou.

"Would you like a pancake Grandpa?" She offered the plate in his direction.

"Don't mind if I do" he replied, reaching across the table and taking one before sitting down.

"Awesome, pancakes!" Georgie was clearly delighted and gave Lou an all-knowing hug.

Georgie sat down at the table next to Jack smiling at him as she piled pancakes on her plate and poured over a healthy dose of maple syrup. At the same time Katie came into the kitchen rubbing her eyes sleepily, climbing up on the chair with the cereal box beside it. When Lou saw Katie she felt her heart ache a little, thinking of the night before and watching her sleep. It amazed even her that seeing such a small gesture such as Katie rubbing her eyes could make the emotions catch in her throat. She had to steady herself to stop tears forming in her eyes. This was going to be tougher than she had imagined to stay strong. Lou was determined not to let this get the better of her, she had no intentions to let Cancer take over her life and change who she was. Lou was ready to fight.


	10. Chapter 10

Once breakfast was over and everyone went off to start their respective days Lou found herself alone in the kitchen. She felt some sense of relief that she didn't have to keep up the pretence of being in control of the situation. Pouring herself another coffee, she walked out to the porch, glad of the fresh country air on her face. Standing still for a moment, closing her eyes as she inhaled slowly. The rhythm of her breathing calming her and bringing her into the present. Feeling refreshed, Lou opened her eyes and smiled. She loved how being out here, being on the ranch could make her forget the outside world and all the troubles that came with it.

As Lou sipped her coffee she saw the familiar sight of Caleb's truck coming down the track. She could feel her insides warming and not just from her drink. There was something about Caleb that had awoke her senses. She couldn't quite explain it, even to herself but just like her surroundings, Caleb felt like coming home. He made her feel safe, protected and loved. Something she needed right now for sure but it was becoming obvious it's what she had been missing all along. Caleb was what she had been looking for and he had been right in front of her all along.

"Lou…?"

"Oh hey Caleb, I was just…" Lou was caught off guard with Caleb appearing in front of her while she was lost in her thoughts. "I was just thinking about the appointment." Lou lied to save her embarrassment.

Caleb nodded with understanding, "You ready?" He asked.

"Yes" Lou replied with certainty.

She knew she could do this. It was only a scan, nothing to scare her with today. If she took it one day at a time and didn't focus on what lay ahead she could handle it. Having Caleb with her as a distraction on the long drive there would certainly help too. The time passed by without her worrying to long about any of it in between Caleb's stories, most of which had a lot of humour and avoided the possibility of tension in the air.

On standing outside of the hospital entrance Lou could feel her bravery falter for a moment. Taking in the size of the building and thinking of all the sick people that filled it. Watching people passing by her wondering if they were ill or having to visit loved ones. Lou's empathy was threatening the fragile barrier holding in her emotions. As her anxiety levels were beginning to rise she felt Caleb take her hand in his. He stood beside her like the rock she needed to keep her grounded.

They walked through the door together, ready to face what lay ahead. Once she was checked in at the reception for the MRI department, she took a seat in the waiting room with Caleb. It felt like time was beginning to slow down now that she was actually there. She watched the clock on the wall slowly tick by, second by second until her appointment time.

A nurse approached to call out Lou's name moments later. Lou stood up to follow the nurse but first she looked back to Caleb. He smiled reassuringly at her, he didn't need to say anything as she knew he was there for her and would be when she came out. The nurse led Lou through double doors into another room. One side had a row of changing cubicles along the wall. The other side had a patients chair and units with medical supplies. There was a handwashing sink off to the side behind her. In front of her she could see two more doors. It felt very daunting now she was alone and unsure about what exactly would happen next.

The nurse handed Lou a gown to change into, showing her into one of the cubicles. She explained to Lou she would need to remove any jewellery as well. Once Lou was dressed in the rather uncomfortable hospital gown, she left the changing area and was met with the nurse who guided Lou to the chair she'd seen on her arrival. The nurse fitted a cannula to Lou's right hand, explaining that they would be injecting her with a tracer through the MRI. It was all becoming rather real to Lou now and she was doubting her ability to see it through. Another nurse emerged from one of the doors in front of Lou and smiled.

"If you'd like to come through" The nurse gestured towards the unknown.

Lou followed as the first nurse accompanied them both. As she entered the room she was in awe at the size of the MRI machine. She had seen them on TV shows before but never really paid much attention to the machine itself. Now she was faced with one it was quite scary looking. She could see the section that was obviously for someone to lie on top of but it was the huge circular tunnel that she would be going into that made Lou wary.

"How long does the process take?" Lou asked with concern.

"It takes around 20 minutes once it starts" The nurse explained, "If you'd like to lie down on the bed face down"

Lou climbed onto the bed and did as requested, while the nurse helped her into the correct position. Another nurse connected some tubing to the cannula in Lou's hand for injecting the tracer once the scan was in progress. One of the nurses handed Lou a buzzer into her hand. Should she feel the need at any moment she wanted the scan to stop all she needed to do was press it. Once Lou was prepped, the bed began to slowly move into the MRI machine.

The motion of the bed kick started Lou's anxiety, it was really happening. She heard the nurses say they were leaving the room but she would still be able to hear them through the speakers. Lou was made aware the machine would be starting and that it would be quite noisy. Even with a warning she wasn't expecting the sound to be so loud, it was a horribly strange buzzing sound with a sort of vibrating to it. All Lou could see from where she lay was into a cut-out area for her face that was perhaps 3 or 4 inches from flat plate. She couldn't see out of the machine and wasn't allowed to move. Before today Lou didn't think she was claustrophobic but at this moment in time she was certain. _If this had only been a minute or two, how was she going to last for twenty?_ Lou thought to herself getting more worked up. She couldn't help herself as she pushed the buzzer.

"Everything okay?" Came the nurse voice through the speaker system.

"I need out" Lou said in a panic. "I _need_ out" she repeated feeling anxious.

"It's alright" Said the nurse sympathetically.

The machine was switched off as Lou's bed began to reverse out of the chamber. She was met by two of the concerned nurses. Who told Lou she could sit up if she needed to, which Lou did without being asked twice. She didn't need to see her reflection to know that she was as white as a sheet, she could physically feel the colour drain from her cheeks. Adrenaline was pumping through her veins and her breathing was erratic. Although Lou had never had one before she was sure this was a panic attack. The nurses offered her some water which she graciously accepted. Lou concentrated on calming herself down as she drank. She had to get through this. Whatever this MRI scan was going to show would help in her diagnosis. Lou needed those answers.

"Would you like to try again?" The nurse asked.

"Yes, I'm ready now, sorry" Lou said embarrassed at being unable to cope.

"Don't worry most people react the same way, you're not alone. If you need more time that's okay or if you'd rather not do it, no-one is going to force you. It's completely your choice." The nurse tried to comfort Lou and offer her an escape should she need it.

"No, no I'm going to do it" Lou said trying to convince herself.

Once Lou was back in position the nurses went through the same process and once more Lou found herself feeling trapped inside the machine. She thought of her children and how much they needed her. It brought a tear to her eyes that she were even in this situation in an effort to see them grow up. She needed to focus to see this through. She remembered what Caleb had once said to her _"The only big C you have stands for courage."_ Lou smiled thinking of what a charmer Caleb was. She began reciting the words, stands for courage, over in her mind like a sort of mantra any time she felt the panic returning. It reminded her she was brave, she was fearless and she could do this.

Lou was almost surprised when the nurse let her know that was the end of the scan. The relief that flooded her was immense. It was over. When she was able to sit up again the nurse told her she had done brilliantly and offered her more water. Lou was glad of the drink to compose herself before standing. She wasn't sure if she could stand feeling a little shaky from the whole experience. When the nurse disconnected the tube she was free to go redress.

Once Lou was back in her own clothes she felt better as if she were putting her armour back on. When she went out to greet the nurse to remove the cannula she had a bit more of a spring in her step. The nurse was lovely and let Lou go once she covered the small spot on her hand.

As Lou entered the waiting room she saw Caleb look up at her with his big beaming smile, standing to meet her.

"How was it?" Caleb asked, a mixture of curiosity and concern.

"I'll tell you all about it on the way home" Lou said, knowing he was the only person she would be telling the true version of events to. She didn't want her family to see her being weak, they needed her to be strong. It was different with Caleb though. She wanted Caleb to see her vulnerable side, the real Lou behind the fierce, stubborn wild woman everyone else saw.


	11. Chapter 11

The last two weeks since Lou's MRI had flown by. She had kept herself busy with all her work responsibilities and her mind focused on the girls. She had to admit that she had felt like herself again without any hospital appointments to bring her down, until now. Today was the day Lou had to go meet with the consultant to receive her biopsy results. She had barely managed to sleep for thinking about what she was going to be told. Lou had felt like she'd seen every hour through the night on her alarm clock having awoken from a vision of her future. Each time a differing turn of events and how it would affect Georgie and Katie, which would cause further distress. When it was time for her to give up on trying to fall back asleep, Lou made sure her eyes weren't puffy from crying. She didn't want to appear worried in front of her family. So, even though she had woken from a traumatic sleep and was filled with dread, Lou had faced her family at breakfast with a smile on her face. If anyone had noticed they never mentioned it to Lou, only wishing her luck and taking turns to hug her before she walked out the door with Caleb, who had taken upon himself to be her continued chauffeur. Lou knew deep down that her family needed to reassure themselves just as much as they wanted to make her feel better about everything. Today's outcome affected everyone.

Whatever happened would certainly influence the status of her relationship with Caleb. Although he had continued to be there for Lou as a friend, nothing had happened since they had kissed. However, it was clear to them both that there was more to their friendship. Lou had avoided instigating any progression simply because she needed today's results first. She decided that she couldn't ask Caleb to take on anything more with her if it turned out she was facing Cancer, that wouldn't be fair to him. He never pushed her or brought it up and she had appreciated his patience and understanding.

The waiting room was very full and extremely hot. This made the wait more uncomfortable than it needed to be. The noise of nervous small talk felt like buzzing in her mind, unable to differentiate the separate words or conversations from her own thoughts. The mental fog combined with the anticipation of what lay ahead was building in frustration. As the time ticked by her anxiety rose like the temperature of the room as Lou's appointment time had been and gone. The sensation of fight or flight was beginning to take over and Lou really wanted to escape outside for fresh air far away from the agony of waiting endlessly. Finally, when the nurse called Lou's name she felt another wave of panic hit her making her feel light headed and dizzy.

"Will you come in with me?" Lou asked looking at Caleb with fear in her eyes.

"Of course," He replied as he stood, offering Lou his hand for support.

Lou gratefully took Caleb's hand as he helped her up from her chair. They followed the nurse down the long corridor, ready to discover Lou's fate. The nurse showed them into an examination room.

"The doctor will be through shortly" The nurse explained before leaving.

Lou looked to Caleb as her fears were filling her mind. He took hold of her hand and gently squeezed it reassuringly.

"Whatever happens, we've got this Lou." Caleb said full of his usual confidence.

Lou smiled weakly unable to speak. She was barely holding it together. She had to admit she did like the way Caleb had said "we" and his certainty was something she needed. Right now, her fighting spirit had abandoned her, so having Caleb to lean on was a blessing on such a hard day. Thankfully they didn't have to wait long before the consultant arrived and introduced himself. Lou had remembered him from her other appointments and felt a little more at ease with the familiarity.

"Your biopsy results have come back inconclusive" The doctor announced after the obligatory question on how she was doing since he last saw her.

Lou wasn't sure what to feel. It hit her like slamming into a brick wall, fast and hard. That hadn't been what she had been expecting to hear, in her heart she had expected a clear-cut result – that it was cancer. She had never considered this an outcome. The doctor had gone on to say that she would need a second biopsy this time guided by an ultrasound scan. As Lou processed the information she was left feeling disappointed. She had come here for information and was leaving with more unanswered questions instead.

The walk back to the car was silent, an unsaid acknowledgement that Lou wasn't ready to talk about what they had just been told. As they got into Caleb's truck they quietly fastened their seatbelts in unison, never making a sound. It wasn't until they left the city limits that Lou finally broke the silence.

"What do you think?" Lou plucked up the courage to ask.

"Well," Caleb replied while drawing breath, "I think you're awesome and I'm proud of you"

"That's not what I meant" Lou laughed playfully hitting Caleb's shoulder. "I mean do you think inconclusive is a good thing or a bad thing?"

"I think it is what it is Lou… uncertain. I'm not swinging either way, if the doctors don't know, I'm pretty sure I don't either" He replied honestly.

Lou nodded thoughtfully, she knew what Caleb was saying. He was right, the doctors didn't know. There was no way either of them could know and guessing wouldn't give her the answers she craved. The problem was she just couldn't shake the feeling of trepidation. Lou was certain she did know, she knew she had cancer, she just needed the doctors to prove it so that she could get on with fighting back. She needed to have patience and that had never been Lou's strong point.


	12. Chapter 12

"Inconclusive? What's that supposed to mean?" Tim began to rant in frustration, "Sounds like the doctors are incompetent to me, it's either cancer or it's not."

"Dad, it's not a simple as that, as I already told -" Lou tried to reply.

"They don't know their ass from their elbows." Tim accused, interrupting. "I am coming with you. I will get this sorted, don't you worry about a thing Lou." Tim announced in his self-assured manner.

"No, Dad just stop right there. You are not coming with me to kick up a fuss. I'd have no doctors left. I'm fine on my own" Lou said trying to remain in control of the quickly escalating situation.

"But you'll take him" Tim gestured towards Caleb, "He's as useful as a trap-door in a canoe"

"What?" Caleb asked because he'd automatically switched off when Tim started up.

"As I said, nothing under his hat but hair" Tim stated having made his point.

"I don't have time for this" Lou said getting visibly agitated. "Let's go Caleb"

Once they were on the now very familiar route to hospital, Lou had time to get lost in her thoughts. She couldn't let go of her dad's words. As usual he had some sort of dig towards Caleb, who thankfully rarely reacted anymore. It's not that she believed her dad thought those things, as she knew deep down Tim did have a soft spot for his fellow cowboy. She was annoyed that his insults were in fact directed at her. It was Tim's way of saying he knew something was going on and Caleb wasn't good enough for his daughter. It was as though he thought by highlighting what he felt were Caleb's faults, she would find him less appealing and drive a wedge between them. Tim's words had the opposite effect than he intended because every time he would make a remark about Caleb, Lou would find herself internally defending him much more fiercely than she vocalized. Not that she would ever remain silent, she would cut him off or distract him from his tirades. In her mind, though, it would be a whole other story. She would be refuting his remarks with examples of why Caleb was more than anyone ever had the pleasure to witness. The man he was for her, her Caleb.

Lou couldn't imagine anyone else being so attentive to her needs as he was. Some nights she would find herself waking in the early hours from a restless sleep and send Caleb a text. No matter the hour he would respond, he always kept the volume up so that it would wake him up should she need him. Lou couldn't imagine many guys or even her family members being too happy about her texting them through the night for a heart to heart. Caleb however was always ready to listen and should she just need a distraction he would tell her stories from the rodeo circuit. If her dad thought Caleb wasn't very clever, he should hear about some of the shenanigans his friends got into. Lou loved Caleb's ability to just enjoy life no matter what, not taking himself too seriously. It certainly wasn't something she would want to change about him or be turned off by as Tim had hoped. It was entirely what she needed right now. Caleb was what she wanted.

Arriving at the hospital, Lou was pleased she had avoided thinking about what lay ahead. She had been for her second biopsy two weeks ago, just as the doctor had explained at her last results consultation. It had been uneventful and more like a burden. The wait was becoming unbearable. It was now more than a couple of months since she had initially found the lump and still had no answers. Lou really needed the doctors to have the confirmation today.

She was prepared this time for the waiting room, knowing how horribly hot it was. This time she left her jacket in the truck and headed straight for the seating nearest the windows. With a little bit of luck, one was open and she could feel a slight breeze coming in. The cool air reminded her that it wasn't all some bad dream but she really was in the room again. Awaiting her fate once more.

Lou and Caleb soon found themselves in another examination room. Although it was a different one from her last results, it looked the same. Same clinical feel, stark and unwelcoming. In these rooms, it was much more difficult for Lou to maintain her resolve. It made everything hit her at once, the overwhelming thoughts on her family. It made it hard to concentrate on what the consultant was saying when he came in. She recognized him right away as the one who gave her the results the previous time, or lack of results rather.

The consultant face was filled with sympathy, which sent a sense of panic through Lou. Though she just wanted the confirmation of cancer to enable her to get treatment faster, she suddenly was afraid that was what he was going to say. Lou was now cursing herself for ever having thought having the diagnosis would somehow solve her limbo. This was not what she wanted at all. She needed an all clear. Not a consultant preparing himself to give bad news.

"I'm sorry Lou" The consultant said with regret.

Though the he didn't pause for long, the time passed more slowly for Lou as she had a split-second image of her heartbroken children losing their mum in her mind.

"But the results are inconclusive again" He continued.

Lou's mind was spinning, _inconclusive? Again_? She was so sure he was about to deliver the devastating news that no-one ever wants to receive. _Was this some sort of cruel joke?_ She wondered. Sure, she felt relief but by no means was this going to be over today. Her mind was reeling.

"I would like to do a wide local excisional biopsy. This means removing the entire lump, with a margin of surrounding unaffected tissue and having that examined." The consultant explained as simply as he could. "I could do another biopsy with a wider needle that would take more tissue sample with it, though I feel that will give the same inconclusive results. I don't want you to keep going through this with Christmas being so close."

Lou nodded, accepting whatever he had to say as she tried to take it in. She barely remembered going back to the truck or much of the drive home. She was lost in a numb trance as her mind felt the impact of the emotional torture once more.


	13. Chapter 13

It was the night before Lou's operation and she was just getting settled into her room at the hospital. She had been relieved to discover she would have a room to herself and not on the ward with other patients. It was nerve-racking enough without having other eyes on her, or worse – nosey people asking questions. She was aware how much she would stand out, being deemed "too young for cancer", so her potential ward mates would be distinctly older and naturally curious. Which if she were honest, she would be too in their shoes. Lou had to admit, she did like to know everything. That was however the reason she was so anxious, she wasn't used to not knowing things. Not knowing what would happen during the operation or after was driving her crazy, not to mention the results they would draw from analyzing the lump once it was removed. _They had to get some conclusive results when it would be quite literally in their hands, wouldn't they?_ Lou questioned.

Lou's grandpa had been the one to drop her off this time, though usually Caleb would bring her, Jack had asked if he could this time. She could sense he was feeling helpless about his granddaughter going into hospital and the risks involved, as there are with any operation, even a routine one such as this. It was reassuring to Lou to have Jack there because he had always been a father figure to her, though she had her actual father back in her life now as an adult he wasn't exactly the nurturing type. He loved her in his own way yes but she needed the human touch right now and one of her grandpa's hugs before he left was just what she needed. Jack hadn't stayed long, not wishing to linger, or feel awkward. That also suited Lou once she was in her hospital room as the seriousness of the situation had finally dawned on her and she didn't want the extra burden of considering someone else's feelings at that moment in time. She knew it was somewhat selfish but she needed to focus on the task at hand and be in the right frame of mind. It would be impossible to do while worrying about those around her, Lou needed to put her blinkers on and just look ahead.

It was strange spending the night away from the girls here. She wanted to tuck Katie into bed and read her story, knowing Lisa would do that tonight made it easier. Of course, Georgie was old enough to take care of herself but that didn't make Lou miss trying to mother her. Lou could just picture Georgie rolling her eyes as she would say _"I'm not a little girl"_ and moaning about whatever Lou was trying to take control of. The hospital was just too quiet. The nurses popped in every so often to take her blood pressure and heart rate but it wasn't the same as the hustle and bustle of the house with various family members trampling in and out. So, she did what usually did when she felt lonely, sent a text to Caleb. She continued replying him until she fell asleep with her phone in her hand.

The nurse woke Lou early and explained she could have some light breakfast, such as toast but nothing after 6am.

"Your operation is scheduled for lunch time" The nurse told Lou. "You can have clear liquids until around 10am though" she added.

Lou graciously accepted some toast because she was starving and knew it would feel like a very long time until lunch in here with nothing to do and being unable to boredom eat on top of that. While she ate, she wondered what would be happening back at the ranch without her. She knew her grandpa would be outside somewhere doing something he should probably hire someone half his age to do. Though with that in mind, Jack did have Caleb around to help him now the winter months were here. Lisa would most likely be organizing the kitchen ready for the onslaught of hungry mouths. She really had been a God send to their family, she certainly made things much less stressful for Lou now she had all this on her already full plate. Lou had dozed off while thinking about her family and the normal things that they do daily and missing them even more.

The nurse from breakfast returned to wake Lou again. Giving her a hospital gown to wear ready for surgery. Once Lou was undressed and covered in the thin gown, she felt very vulnerable. As if her clothing was somehow a part of her armor. She no longer felt ready for what was about to happen. What if she didn't awake from the Anesthesia? The thought of her family losing her, especially so close to Christmas, terrified her. She could feel her heart begin to race just as the nurse followed by two other members of staff entered the room. They were here to wheel her bed down to surgery. _There was going to be no time to calm down now_ , Lou realized.

She wasn't sure where she was anymore when the bed stopped and they put the brakes on. The nurse informed her someone would be along shortly and closed a curtain around her after they all left. She was alone in a very strange place. There was an empty bed right next to hear and she couldn't hear any noises at all, it was very eerie. When she finally heard some footsteps, she was unsure if that was a comfort or something she should be more worried about. It was another nurse, who introduced themselves as they came through the curtain. They had paperwork to do, questions pre-operation including a permission slip to sign, to say that she agreed to having the surgery. The fact she needed to sign a waiver did not install Lou with confidence. Sensing her fear the nurse attempted to distract Lou by asking her about her children and their plans for Christmas. As she began talking about Georgie and Katie she let go of some of her pent-up fears and relaxed a little. Thinking of how excited they were for the holidays.

Another nurse appeared saying it was time and soon she was trundling along the corridor to a very small room. There was barely any space around her bed to move. In the room was two more members of the hospital staff who introduced themselves. They would be administering the anesthesia and the head anesthesiologist explained they would be monitoring her throughout incase she needed a top-up, so not to worry about waking up in the middle. Lou however was more worried about _not_ waking up, though she didn't voice her concern. They connected a cannula to her hand, a now very standard procedure for Lou, so she never thought much about it. They explained about putting the anesthesia in and kept talking to Lou as she began to feel very drowsy, she could remember seeing the lights on the ceiling as she faded out of consciousness.


End file.
